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Trying Not to Judge

May 17th, 2008 at 03:39 pm

A co-worker is in Florida right now looking at homes and information seeking for jobs. We are good friends. Should she move I will miss her terribly and definitely visit her.

She called me from Florida and we chatted for a while. I was really disappointed when she told me she is getting a tatoo while down there for a cost of $200. Her husband is getting one also. They are deeply in debt, have almost no downpayment for a house, and live in a basement apartment in her parents house with her 5 and 7 year old children. They have lived there for 5 years. She says they want a home of their own, yet they spend every penny they make. They make more than enough to pay off their debts.

I wanted to say "Are you crazy? You need that money for a down payment, you already have a tatoo." I held my tongue and just said "It sounds like you are having a lot of fun." As her friend I felt torn between just accepting her as she is and wanting to tell her my true thoughts.

Bottom line is she is smart enough to know she is spending money that should go toward a home of her own. I can't change her, I can only be her friend, she is on her own learning curve, I need to accept that. But as her friend, should I tell her what I think? Guess it shows I'm just itching to express myself. Its not like she asked my opinion, she just shared her plans.

I guess I should just focus on my stuff and finish packing more boxes.

5 Responses to “Trying Not to Judge”

  1. mom-sense Says:


    I suggest not saying anything. My best friend forever has been a very poor money manager and is single, 42, in debt, has no budget, minimal savings, etc. Get the picture? I have tried to broach the subject with her during her many complaints about her situation. She has an excuse for everything I can recommend. I have had to give up. How she chooses to spend her money is her choice. Her dog eats organic dogfood (buffalo and salmon) yet she owes back taxes on her real estate property. I have learned that all I can do is try to be a good example as to how I spend my money. That is all that you can do as well.

  2. Apprentice Fun-Frugalist Says:

    My first reaction was that you should say something - not like a angry parent - but as a concerned friend.....

    but having read mom-sense's post, I think she is right... getting the tattoo won't damage her health or put her out on the streets.... she is an adult, a wife and a mother... at the end of the day, no one is responsible for her spending but herself... I'll guess she'll just have to get even deeper in depth before she commits to changing her habits... or perhaps she might never feel the need to change and be a happy-go-lucky type... I really think tho that being a parent of a 5 and 7 yr old demands some financial responsibility...

    You are right when you say that being a good role model is the best thing you can do for her.

  3. Apprentice Fun-Frugalist Says:

    My first reaction was that you should say something - not like a angry parent - but as a concerned friend.....

    but having read mom-sense's post, I think she is right... getting the tattoo won't damage her health or put her out on the streets.... she is an adult, a wife and a mother... at the end of the day, no one is responsible for her spending but herself... I'll guess she'll just have to get even deeper in depth before she commits to changing her habits... or perhaps she might never feel the need to change and be a happy-go-lucky type... I really think tho that being a parent of a 5 and 7 yr old demands some financial responsibility...

    Being a good role model is the best thing you can do for her.

  4. Carolina Bound Says:

    People who do things like that amaze me. My sister is like that also, although she would never get a tattoo. However, she told me she and her husband went out for dinner on Mother's Day and spent $120 for the two of them. This, shortly after she told me she is afraid they will lose their house. It makes me wonder if her brain works.

  5. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:

    I, too, have such a friend. She raised a daughter to act the same way, but with far more expensive tastes. My friend cannot understand how her daughter can blow so much money, but to me it is clear as day where she learned to do that. Now daughter's children are learning the same behavior.

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